


kielbasa

by Unused_username



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Crack, Dom/sub, EXO and Random SM Artist Cameos, Eventual Smut, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Female Do Kyungsoo | D.O, Female Kim Junmyeon | Suho, Female Oh Sehun, First Dates, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Genderbending, Kyungsoo is a Boss Bitch, Pegging, Smut, Wu Yifan is a Mess, this is SO much plot ?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-21
Updated: 2019-09-21
Packaged: 2020-10-25 12:50:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,739
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20724491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unused_username/pseuds/Unused_username
Summary: Yifan, upon first glance, is Dudebro Supreme™. He's big, he's tall, he's got a deep voice, and also resting bitch face. Except he has resting scary male face because he ain't no bitch.But all of that is just what he seems like. In actuality, he watches Queer Eye as a guilty pleasure with his female best friend, loves dress shopping, and wholly appreciates and respects drag as an art.He's also a human disaster, on the low, so it shouldn't come as a surprise when he has an existential crisis while eating pussy. But he does, and it opens the doors for some sexual self-discovery. When he meets Kyungsoo, a confident, beautiful woman who, for once, doesn't expect him to live up to his “I double-park my massive truck and send dick pics to random women online” appearance, he finds he can explore this newfound (see also: previously repressed) side of himself.TL;DR, Yifan finds out that he's a big subby baby, fem!Soo is a domme, and a lot of plot got in the way of her giving Yifan the strap.





	kielbasa

**Author's Note:**

> Dedicated to:
> 
> Anna, who basically pitted me against myself and made me write this. Also, she shared some sick writing tips so that was cool.
> 
> Dheen, my lil bo bean who cheered me on like the best human you literally are.
> 
> Laura, who didn't really actively assist in the making of this story, but was the first genuine cishet LGBT+ ally I met (in person.) I never thought my first longfic would be hetslash, but, you proved the hets deserve rights to young little confused bisexual genderqueer me growing up in a conservative town. Go you.
> 
> My [twitter](https://twitter.com/puwunani?s=09) is a raging dumpster fire, but if you want to contact me there feel free!

Wu Yifan is, really, a big guy. Like he's tall tall. Like, wow, he's so tall, does he play basketball? Like, he heard “How's the weather up there, champ?” accompanied with a hefty, manliness-required shoulder slap at every cubicle containing a male over 40 on his first day of work at his current job. Ah, the real world. Full of mature adults. 

He is a big guy, he supposes. He still has a bruise on his ankle from swinging his mile-long legs over Junmyeon's bed getting up this morning, misjudging the distance, and thwacking her poor nightstand over to spill messily onto her already-cluttered floor. His best friend-slash-fuckbuddy was relatively unbothered. Honestly, her shriek of frustration only reached about a D7, so he’s pretty much in the clear. (Yes, that was an SOS. Please send backup.)

Anyways, he’s a large dude. Broad, ish, maybe. His gym card is half-heartedly swiped in the presence of cheery crossfit-obsessed employees, like, once a month, and he stays there for a little bit (fifteen minutes.) But, he's retained a solid base of muscle mass from his good ol’ basketball days, and regular sex keeps him relatively toned, though his washboard abs are long gone.

On top of his natural affinity to retain muscle mass and his naturally wide shoulders, his intense brows and his cutting, equally intense bone structure both serve to highlight his large presence. His “yaoi hands,” Resting Bitch Face, and deep, rolling, rumbly, macho, sexy man voice all make him the accidental center of attention to those around him. Because of his appearance, his shyness is often misinterpreted as playboy cockiness or playing hard to get. Basically, regardless of age, gender, and sometimes even marital status, men, women, and everyone in between will shoot their shot. So tall. So dark. So mysterious.

Reality is, he's just another dude in mid twenties who's drowning in debt. Also, he may or may not have cried when he burnt his toast this morning. (Junmyeon laughed. He threw the charred brick of carbs at her face, and even in his emotional state, years of shooting threes served him well when he succeeded with a direct hit.) The last time he downloaded Tinder, he thought that “what’s crackalackin” was a good opener, and he wasn’t even drunk. Essentially, his looks scream 6’2 sex god, but his personality politely informs the population that he’s actually a fucking dweeb.

He may have a steady (boring) job, his own (tiny) apartment, a (judgemental) cat, and an active (totally fulfilled) sex life, but he is, as Junmyeon would say, the captain of the struggle bus. Which leads us to his current predicament: having an existential crisis while eating pussy.

°°°

“Fucking fuck,” Junmyeon pants.

“Your fingers are so good what the hell-” she cuts herself off with a long moan.

Yifan grins, lapping more forcefully over her clit. This, he can do. He was gifted with long, strong fingers to play the sport he loved, assist his pussy eating skills, and brainlessly type information into a computer, becoming a mere cog in the machine of society, feeding into the never ending monster that is capitalism-

“Stop teasing, come on,” Junmyeon wimpers, reminding Yifan of his task at hand (ha) and that he must have slowed down. Good. It, at least, looked purposeful. He flashes Junmyeon a hopefully-convincing smirk and she shines big, sparkly eyes at him. 

“Please, give it to me I need it, please, please, oh fuck-” Junmyeon begs. Quite unnecessarily, too. Yifan doesn't really understand why she does, he was gonna continue anyways. And, he did so with enthusiasm, if that choked up, strangled noise that was supposed to be an expletive said anything. 

Anyways, why do dudes make girls think begging is hot? It just puts a lot of stress and responsibilities on his shoulders. He always worries if he's not good enough anyways, he should be hitting the gym more and-

“Fuck I said don't tease you dumbass, I was so close! Fucking give it to me-oh,” Junmyeon's second reminder of the night that his pace is slipping is delivered with the same amount of enthusiasm, but this time coupled with a glare and a demanding tone he hasn't heard from her before. In response, his cock kicks so violently that he's worried he just got a friction burn. 

Well. that was new. Something like that would honestly usually distract him, but the heat of her gaze has him ignoring his slight discomfort. Now with a razor sharp focus (seriously, where did that come from) he decides to file his reaction away in the “what the fuck” box and focus on making her finish. 

°°°

Post-coital cuddles with Junmyeon are nice. She's smaller, so she tucks right up against him as a little spoon as they watch their customary post-sex Queer Eye on Junmyeon's tablet. Sure, his arm is falling asleep and he has no idea what to do with all of his limbs but-holy shit is he breathing too loudly? He really does enjoy being big spoon, he swears, it's just a lot to think about.

“I have a date this Monday,” Junmyeon blurts, pausing the auto-play of the next episode. Oh.

“It's date number three with her, the-”

“The tall, rich baby, yeah,” Yifan finishes for her. “I'm happy for you, man. Sehun, right?”

“Yeah,” Junmyeon says quietly. “She's taking me to a fancy dinner place.” Yifan immediately perks up. 

“You wanna go dress shopping?” He asks. Nothing like breaking out of the monotony of his weekends to assist his best friend's helpless fashion taste. He had suggested that they started watching Queer Eye as their after-sex show for a reason, after all. 

Wait. 

“We’ll still watch Queer Eye together without the sex, right?” He asks in a small voice. None of his Dudebro™ friends ever want to, and he isn't really close enough with any other female to indulge in his guilty pleasure with them. Junmyeon laughs.

“Yes, we can go dress shopping, and yes, we can still watch Queer Eye. I swear, you're literally a lesbian trapped in an extremely large, extremely heterosexual male body.” 

“Again with the lesbian thing!” Yifan ribs back fondly. He's not actually offended by it, he's comfortable where he is in his gender identity, and Junmyeon knows this. Just because he's got the most masculine build ever doesn't mean he can't enjoy “feminine” things, though. 

“You took this well. Also, sorry for snapping at you earlier, I've just been nervous about telling you all week,” Junmyeon says sheepishly. Yifan blushes, recalling how he had blown his load in less than five minutes after actually getting yelled at. Yeah, that that definitely belongs in the “what the fuck” box. 

“It’s chill. You know me, I have women crawling all over me all the time,” he jokingly says back. He literally does, even though they usually lose interest rapidly once he actually speaks with them. It isn't his fault! He only looks suave as fuck, and tits make him nervous. So what if he stutters sometimes?

“Ha ha,” Junmyeon snarks back, swatting at his arm. “I'm glad you're okay with going dress shopping though, because I'm kind of a little bit freaking out about what to wear a lot,” she mumbles.

“Can we go now?” Yifan asks, shutting off Junmyeon's tablet because he already knows the answer. 

Junmyeon heaves a sigh of relief. “Dear god yes.”

°°°

They traipse down the street towards the mall, because Junmyeon is just as broke and debt-ridden as Yifan, and she's hoping to find a steal at Macy's. Yifan is just there to make sure she doesn't sacrifice her dignity while chasing for savings. It's mid-spring, and Junmyeon would try to wear an off-season sweater-dress because it was only 7 dollars. From Yifan's cursory and brief (read, very thorough) scan of Sehun's Instagram, not only is she loaded as hell, but extremely fashion conscious. He's glad he's here to guide his poor, perpetually Bisexual Disaster™ best friend.

When they reach the store, Junmyeon and Yifan split up and fill both arms with dresses, then eliminate from the massive pile. Yifan vetoes 7 out of Junmyeon's 9, and she in turn doesn't even look at the 12 he has looped over his elbow because she's given up trying to argue with him. So, like an obedient little guinea pig, she piles all 14 candidates into her arms and toddles into the nearest dressing room. 

Yifan is leaning against the doorframe, vacantly staring into the space that Junmyeon was seconds ago with the 3rd dress of the afternoon on. He had really liked it, and was trying to comb through his knowledge of Junmyeon's jewelry to figure out what would suit it when he hears a throat clear behind him. Surprised, he whirls around and smacks his forehead on the “female dressing room” sign, then looks to the source of the annoyed sound.

The source is quite petite, with a Macy's name tag that reads “Kyungsoo.” He focuses on her minimalist look, which is a tasteful pixie cut styled simply into a quiff, minimal jewelry, and why is he hyper focused on her sense of style right now? Ah right, boobs. Did he mention those? Quite large, given her small frame, and holy shit he can already feel his palms sweating and why do females still scare him this much.

“This is the female dressing room, as you can obviously see,” comes Kyungsoo’s voice, which is quite melodic, if Yifan says so himself. He wonders what her laugh would sound like, or what she would sound like if she was relaxed and didn't sound clipped and a little miffed. Then, the realization dawns on him.

“H-holy shit I'm so sorry, uhh, I'm waiting for a friend, I'm helping her pick out a dress that will accurately show off her ass,” he explains, feeling a blush creeping up his neck. Kyungsoo lifts an eyebrow, and Yifan feels the blush travel to his ears and light him up like a Christmas tree. Marvelous.

“Imean. Not that I stare at her ass. Imean, I l-like her ass of course, because it's a good ass! But I didn't mean that in a creepy way, she has a date next Monday with someone much hotter than me and she needs to dress to impress.” Kyungsoo's second eyebrow raises, and Yifan’s blush has definitely made it to his face. Not in a cute, dusting-the-cheekbones way. Nope. He can feel his forehead throbbing with it. 

“Okay but that just made me sound creepier. I'm sorry. I'm not, like, a creepy ex! She asked me to be here! Promise! I like dresses so much that she calls me a lesbian! But not in a transgender way. N-not that being transgender is bad! Uhh…” Yifan trails off. Kyungsoo now has her eyes narrowed. She opens her mouth to say something that Yifan is at least 80% sure will make him cry, when he hears Junmyeon's voice. 

“Hey ‘Fan, can you stop being bad at socializing with every female ever and zip me up?” Oh thank god. An escape. He rushes over to her to zip her up, only to realize that oh shit he's definitely inside the female dressing rooms now. Fuck. This makes him look worse. Shit. Abort mission. ABORT MISSION.

He throws his weight back to halt his journey, like a dumbass. He forgot that he had worn his easy-to-throw-on-because-they're-so-worn-out-and-old shoes. (Seriously. They're edgy, black vans with little aliens all over them, he's had them since high school.) His leading foot flies up due to the zero traction left on the bottom of the shoes, which leaves his weight to be supported by his bruised ankle, which buckles and leaves him in an undignified heap at Junmyeon's feet. 

She, for the most part, gives an honest effort to not laugh at his failure. Her face is practically purple with that effort, while his is also a lovely plum from embarrassment. Yay. Twins. A snort breaks free from Junmyeon despite herself before she lends him a hand to help him up, leads him out, and allows him to zip her up. 

“Sorry about Yifan. He's a mess but he's not a creep,” Junmyeon assures Kyungsoo, whose stoic face has now softened.

“Sorry for the inconvenience," Kyungsoo says, much more warmly now. Yifan blushes again. He was right about her voice sounding really nice when it was relaxed.

“S-sorry,” he mumbles, and Kyungsoo chuckles.

“You're ok. Just take some deep breaths, I don't want you to pop a blood vessel on my watch," she grins, spinning gracefully on a heel and walking off. So she's probably a manager then. Makes sense. Junmyeon guffaws, Yifan gapes, and they both watch the only ass in the whole city that ranks above Junmyeon's walk away. 

“I think this is what the kids call 'love at first sight,’” Junmyeon teases, clicking Yifan's mouth shut. He doesn't even have a reply, because honestly? She's probably right. But, why bother? He's god awful at holding romantic female attention, so instead of letting Junmyeon's teasing remind him of that and make him sad, it's time to deflect the shit out of this situation.

“Well this isn't about me, this is about the sexy rich skyscraper baby letting you sit on her face, so please put that dress in the 'fuck no’ pile.” 

Luckily, Junmyeon doesn't push. She knows that he'll bring it up later if he feels up to it, or if he's drunk. He's probably going to get drunk, because he can kiss his regular sex goodbye and now he's gonna have to spend his extra time and energy either confronting his problems, going to (see also: avoiding) the gym, or picking up a hobby. He's not looking forward to that. 

°°°

After an hour (or two) and only a little (a lot) of Yifan's patented Indecisive Sweats™, a little black dress with a thigh slit high enough to flash a garter belt emerges victorious over the other candidates. Satisfied, Yifan and Junmyeon make their way to the checkout counter. Well, after skimming through the men's section briefly in case Yifan finds some nice button-downs on sale. (A soft periwinkle one labeled 50% off catches his eye and he snags it.) Thus laden with their respective formal wear-one the sweet pastel purple and the other a sleek, classy black-the pair make their way to a checkout kiosk. 

The universe is...cruel? Kind? Yifan's going to decide that later, because Kyungsoo is defending a poor lanky boy from an irate middle aged woman with cool poise at the kiosk in their sight. And just when Yifan decides he's going to march his ass across the store and up to the second floor to checkout there instead, Junmyeon clamps a firm hand on his elbow and drags him doggedly forward. Great. 

As they approach, they hear the tail-end of the woman's “I'm going to call corporate” speech before she sweeps regally away, evidently undeterred by Kyungsoo's sarcastically saccharine wave and reply of “Be sure to ask for me! Have a wonderful day.” They watch as she pats the shoulder of her distraught underling, who hunches himself down to her small height.

They approach the desk as she gently excuses the boy (“Chanyeol,” Yifan reads on his nametag) for his break and tells him to drink some water, and that he was perfectly right to call her to handle it. He nods miserably, permed hair flopping around his large ears and bouncing away from his big, watery eyes. He lifts a massive hand to clumsily wipe away tears as he walks towards a door labeled EMPLOYEES ONLY, and Kyungsoo turns to Yifan and Junmyeon.

“Find what you were looking for?” she asks, all smiles, as if she wasn't just screamed at seconds ago. Damn. How the fuck? That's hot. In a totally normal, non sexual way, of course! His totally present, intellectual brain finds it hot because he respects her poise. Yes. Right. That. He pats himself on the back for that explanation, but his mental gawking is cut off by the sight of Junmyeon wiggling her brows in his peripheral. He only has a mere split second to consider homicide or suicide before she opens her mouth.

“Oh, I'm sure he did,” she says, eyebrow wiggles becoming more intense as Yifan is forced to go with his second option: suicide. Maybe he could stab himself with a hanger? Ooh, homicide/suicide. Junmyeon deserves to go down with him. Maybe it he somehow stabbed through her then himself?

All thoughts of yeeting off the mortal coil are forcefully obliterated when Kyungsoo throws her head back and laughs. Holy shit. Is this an anime? Her mouth is legitimately a heart shape, how the fuck is this real life-

“Sorry for laughing, you're absolutely adorable when you blush, I promise, but your eyes went so wide,” Kyungsoo gets out through chuckles. Yifan is sure that his face (and neck, and ears) are now a deep maroon, much like the second candidate for Junmyeon's it's-the-third-date-give-me-the-coochie dress. 

“Sorry. U-uh. Er. Thanks?” he manages. Junmyeon flashes him a totally indiscreet thumbs up and hip-bumps him.

“Tell the nice lady that you think she's adorable too,” Junmyeon chides, and Yifan gasps.

“Adorable? She's hot.” Suddenly emboldened by Junmyeon's condescending tone, he turns to Kyungsoo. “You're not adorable, you're hot. Well. Not that you're not cute but like, you're cute and you're hot. But for some reason adorable seems like it would insult you because you're not you're all,” he gestures lamely to her. “...pantsuit,” he eloquently concludes.

She holds his gaze for a second then laughs again. And boy, even though he's embarrassed as all hell, he feels like he just won the lottery to be the source of her laugh. He just sheepishly looks down and hands her his shirt. 

“Cash or credit?” she asks. He flashes his card (that has a kitten on it because it was free to get it like that and holy shit it's so fucking cute) and she lets out another gentle chuckle.

“Would you like a bag? And your receipt?” she asks once the payment goes through (without a hitch, small mercies really.) Head still down, he shakes his head to both. 

“Actually, I think you do,” she replies, and his head snaps up. She's smiling gently at him, holding out the flimsy piece of paper that has…a number on it? HOLY. FUCKING. FUCK.

“U-uh, yeah. I think I do,” he says back, aiming for smooth, but his voice cracks. His blush sets his ears on fire. 

“Sorry, imean. Uh. Thanks,” he tries again, and this time, her smile widens. She sets it on top of his shirt and he folds it gently and slips it into the innermost pocket of his wallet because That Shit Is Not Going Anywhere. 

She makes pleasant small talk with Junmyeon, (who is being very unsubtle with her glee) and shoots small smiles at Yifan when she catches him staring. Both checked out, they go to leave.

“Text me sometime, cutie!” Kyungsoo calls after them, and Yifan ducks his head, blushes again, and gives her a small wave.

“Oh, no worries about that,” Junmyeon replies cheerfully, and the two women chuckle at Yifan's expense as the pair leaves. 

°°°

“Oookay, just. Just tell me where the number is.” Junmyeon slurs later that night, when their purchases are carefully stored away and Yifan whipped out the cheap whiskey and creme soda, because it's cheap whiskey and you gotta get it down somehow.

Yifan pouts. “S'definitely not in my wallet,” he says, slipping his eyes closed. Ha. That'll throw her off. He feels her pawing at his pants and he giggles, throwing his head back on the cushions, but then his brows furrow.

“Wait, you...you got that, uhhh, seahorse... chick. N'we're drunk. I have whiskey dick. Don't… don't suck my whiskey dick s'weird…” wow. He is very, very tired, and he hasn't gotten this drunk since last new year's. 

“'M not sucking your whiskey dick, weirdo,” Junmyeon laughs. Ok, thank god. 

“I got into your pants because I'm texting Macy's girl. Kyung...whatever.” Yifan vaguely registers alarm, but he's so fucking sleepy holy fuck. 

“Kyungsoo. She's...s’pretty wow. Dya know that? So n’charge. So smart. Gee…” Yifan trails off, succumbing to sleep.

°°°

He wakes up to a loud noise in the kitchen that startles him so bad that he flails off the couch, flying. His previously unbruised ankle connects painfully with more of Junmyeon's furniture, probably leaving a matching bruise. Honestly, fuck that coffee table. Coffee? He smells coffee.

“Coffee?” he rumbles, shuffling into the kitchen with a slight limp. Junmyeon wordlessly passes him a mug from where she's sitting in a heap on the floor, eating frozen waffles off her plastic Ursula plate. Ah, so that's the cause of the crash. This is why she owns a set of (thrifted, all disney themed) plasticware. He grunts a thanks and stumbles to her medicine cabinet, searching for her ibuprofen while sipping from 'his’ mug. It's bucket sized, black and white, with I'M BABY in comic sans printed garishly on both sides. A Christmas present from Junmyeon, there's one at both of their apartments. 

Ibuprofen consumed, he spots two more frozen waffles in the other side of the toaster, so he grabs them, plops him on his own plate (on top of Emperor Kuzco's llama face) and thuds down on the floor next to Junmyeon to practice his best cow impression as he eats his breakfast. They wordlessly chow down, clunk their dishes into the skink, and flop back onto Junmyeon's couch to watch some Queer Eye at a very low volume.

Once they have gotten through an episode, and both halfway through their gatorades (that Yifan had to get back up and get from the fridge, thank you very much), Yifan feels slightly more human again. So, headache slightly soothed and aching body sprawled to his content, he decides to unplug his phone from the wall by the couch to check it. Then he decides to try to not fucking drop it when he sees a message notification from “Kyubgsoo ;)” on his lock screen. Fuck. What did he do? He chews his lip, hastily thumbing his phone open to assess the damage.

Fuck. Worse than expected.

>Heyyy, it's Junmyeon. I'm Yifans bestvfruend. He's the tall babu from Macy's!!

>_Hello. Might I ask why I'm getting you and not him?_

>He's drunk ! I'm drunk too but avlittlevbitvless drynk than he us. Thus us his phone

>_Oh my. I seemed to have given my number to someone rather wild._

>Nooooooo!! He'd very not wild. He works as an accountant amd we wentf to college together. Been besfrriends with him since freshman year, anf the dirst time someone offerend him weed he got socstressed he cried. I was there. He hasmt been this dringf since last new year's. It's obly 11 and he's alredy askeep, see

>[img.372]

Yifan is horrified to see a blurry picture of him sprawled all over his couch, a blanket tossed haphazardly over him. The blanket does nothing to conceal the fact that his long limbs laid crookedly all over the couch make him resemble one of those floppy tube balloon dude things you see at car lots.

>_Cute._

There's a pause in the conversation there, with an unsent “Ong he's gonna freak ouf about rhat latermmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm” in the box, but 18 minutes later Kyungsoo replied. He totally didn't check the timestamps. 

>_Get some rest. Tell him to text me himself in the morning._

“Hey man, thanks for making me look like a fucking pussy to the most beautiful woman I've ever met,” Yifan snaps at Junmyeon, only halfway mad. He can honestly admit there's a very slim chance he would have actually texted her otherwise. Junmyeon grins back sweetly, because she is fully aware of that fact. Fucker.

“You looove me though. Plus I already made up for it by plugging your phone in when I woke up at like four this morning to vomit, so, I don't even feel bad a little bit,” she cheeks.

He huffs. Then dances his thumbs over his keyboard for a solid minute, then constructs several drafts in his notes (because what if he accidentally sends one?), then deletes them all, then drafts more, and then more, and then one or two after that. Finally, after taking a step back, he decides to just apologize.

>Hey, I'm sorry about Junmyeon. 

To his surprise, a reply comes within ten minutes. Seven and a half ish, to be exact. But he's not nervous. 

>_It's okay. How's the hangover?_

>Awful. I haven't drank this heavily since last new year's.

>_So I've heard._

Yifan winces.

>Oh, sorry. Anyways, if you don't want to actually text me that's okay! I won't be upset, you don't owe me anything, especially after my friend kind of spammed you with her drunken stupidity last night.

_>You apologize a lot._

>Sorry

>I mean. Um. I do I guess

>_You're cute. Don't worry about scaring me off with drunken stupidity, I was out doing charaoke with my best friend and his gaggle of gays, and let me tell you, I'm desensitized at this point. I'm only sad that the drunken stupidity wasn't yours._

Yifan's heart didn't flutter. 

>Thanks :))

>And uh, I'm sorry. I passed out early and I was too busy trying to focus on Queer Eye. I'll text you plenty now to make up!

>If you'd like that.

>_I would. I may not be replying much for a second, I'm trying to make sure my roomates consume some food, painkillers, and gaytorade._

>Gaytorade?

>_Ah, my phone automatically corrects it to that. It's because of my roomates. I've just picked it up._

>That's great lmaoo. Why aren't you hungover though?

(Did he just say lmao? What is he, a highschooler?)

>_Ah, I was the designated driver. It was my way of penance after I missed their drag show because of work. They're all professional Queens._

>Holy shit that's so cool!! I've always found drag so fucking cool. 

>_You're full of surprises aren't you?_

>Haha, sorry? I guess? At the risk of NOT sounding surprising, though: I am straight, I promise. Very straight. I just cannot speak to females.

>_I know, but it's endearing, you're like a husky puppy. Scary looking, but really just a little cutie._

>You wound me :(

>_Don't take offense to that, pup._

>_You're just my type._

Yifan has some thoughts about how casually Kyungsoo talks down to him that he files away in his “what the fuck” box, and then ignores his pounding heart and shaking fingers, bites the bullet, and decides to flirt back.

>You're my type, too.

>_Which is?_

Yifan takes a deep breath.

>Um, breathtaking?

>_I appreciate honesty, pup._

>_Baek just threw up Rosé on his journey to the kitchen trashcan, so I'm going to bleach the fuck out of my sacred kitchen. Talk to you later._

>Yikes. Good luck. Talk to you later :) 

°°°

They're two episodes further when Yifan thinks he's probably calm enough to speak about what happened. 

“Do you think the smiley face was-”

“For the love of Sehun’s beautiful, round, bouncy phat ass, no. The smiley face was not too much, and it wasn't too much the first four times you asked me either,” Junmyeon immediately snaps, rubbing her temples.

°°°

Over the course of the next few days, Kyungsoo and Yifan chat and flirt regularly. He honestly does want to ask her out on a proper date, but he's afraid. What if this is just casual? What if she just wanted to poke fun at the big flustered guy and doesn't actually want to follow through? What if she feels obligated to-

*ping*

In his haste to grab his phone, he almost upends his Wednesday night root beer. (He tried to cut out the sugary drink altogether, but it didn't work, so now it's his reward for surviving the first half of the week.)

>_Are you free this Friday night?_

>Yes

>_You like Italian food?_

>Double yes

>_I'll pick you up at 7. Address?_

No, his heart did not flutter while he typed his address in. That's absurd.

>_Perfect. See you then :)_

>See you then :))

°°°

It’s 4:30 on Friday evening and Yifan may or may not be freaking the fuck out. How the fresh fuck is he supposed to dress? He looks good in black, but black also makes him scary looking, and he doesn't want Kyungsoo to focus on that, because maybe for once he thinks he has something where his date isn't expecting him to be all Stereotypical Dominant Male. So naturally, one of his softest sweaters that says “I'm nice! I won't be an insecure dick if you try to split the bill!”

But it's fucking spring. He does like all of the clothing in his closet, he just convinced all of that clothing says something about him, and he just really wants to say the right thing to Kyungsoo. After pacing his room, almost crying, and, worse, almost calling Junmyeon for advice, he decides to shower (again) and try to unwind.

In the shower, his confidence is restored when he deftly selects his ~for special occasions only~ Old Spice body wash. Right. He's a grown ass man who can go to his closet and pick out a fucking outfit. Yes. Okay. 

He even busts out his face exfoliator, the fancy one Junmyeon bought for him, meant for their Skincare Sundays. After a quick manscaping session, a second (fourth) armpit wash, and a good ol’ customary in-shower existential crisis, he shuts off the water. Right. He can do this. 

Towel drying his body and blow-drying his hair takes no time at all, so he shaves his face again (you can never be too careful), moisturizes, and exfoliates his lips. Again, he's using more Skincare Sunday resources, but fuck it. He hasn't been on a proper romantic date since, well, highschool, and that wasn't quite a “proper romantic date.” He's going to look his best, smell his nicest, and make sure his plump lips are the most kissable.

Towel bunched lumpily above his belly button because he never mastered the sexy “slung low over his hips” thing, he walks out of his bathroom and he's basically back in his closet. (Did he mention his apartment is small? It's fucking tiny.) Mind clear from the shower, Yifan pulls on his favorite boxers-that he specifically did laundry yesterday in the middle of his busy week for-and approaches the foreboding shelves and hanging racks with a newfound confidence.

He stares the adjustable shelving down. Eyes the cheap metal that supports his button downs. Pfft. They don't scare him! They just hold an infinite amount of possibilities with an infinite amount of implications, and he's really, totally calm about this date anyways. He's chill. Totally hasn't been standing in front of his closet like a dumbass for ten minutes. It's fast approaching 5:40, which is dangerously close to 6:00, which means then he only has an hour holy fuck. 

Okay. Okay. He's got this. It's cool outside at night, and his favorite skinny jeans are a lighter wash, so they are acceptable for this time of year. His legs look great in them, and they're stretchy, in case anything happens after the date. But only maybe, Yifan is really going to try to do this right with Kyungsoo. But still. Keep your doors open. Yeah. Okay. He just has to pick a shirt.

°°°

He's tugging probably the 30th shirt over his head when his intercom alerts him that Kyungsoo has arrived. Panicking, he buzzes her in, throws his clothes haphazardly away, straightens his shirt, and shoves his feet into the first acceptable pair of shoes he finds. He's just slowed his breathing down so that he's not gasping like a fish when there's a small but firm taptaptap on his door.

And there goes his steady breathing. Kyungsoo looks stunning, with natural makeup and neatly curled hair framing her beautiful face. She's all curves and poise in her romper and obscenely high heeled ankle boots. Wow.

"Hey," he greets lamely. Why is he such a fool? Just...why.

“You been romping around too much, pup?” she chuckles, gesturing to Yifan's head. Oh shit, his hair is probably ten levels of fucked up from trying on all of those shirts, shit. Fuck. He blushes, and goes to step back into his bathroom to fix it. Instead, Kyungsoo steps with him, reaches up, and combs his hair into place with tastefully manicured fingers.

“Sorry. I uh, I couldn't pick a shirt, so I tried on a lot,” he mumbles, tilting his head down to make her job easier. She hums, and tilts his head back up with a firm but gentle grip on his chin. She takes a step back, admires her handywork, and smirks up at him. 

“You chose well, cutie,” she purrs, then gestures for him to head out to the hallway, as if it were her apartment and not his. All he can do is eek out a thanks and grab his keys and wallet that are on his “don't forget this shit” shelf by his door, still looking at the ground as she shuts his front door then leads the way to the elevators as if she owns the place.

“You look nice too. Very beautiful. I mean it,” he says as they wait for the elevator, shyly meeting her gaze. She beams. 

“Thank you. From you, that means a lot.” 

°°°

The restaurant they arrive at after a brief Uber ride smells heavenly, and serves bottomless, tiny garlic bread slices as free appetizers. He and Kyungsoo decide to split the massive sampler plate right off the bat, as Kyungsoo really sold it on the car ride there, and he lets Kyungsoo decide which high-end wine to get. She seems pleased with this, so his nerves are soothed because he knows fuck-all about wine. Orders put in, they have nothing to do but chat and wait for their food. Shit. Fuck. Okay. Breathe.

“So, you're in accounting?” Kyungsoo asks, and Yifan snorts. 

“It's just about as interesting as that, so you don't have to pretend like it's a nice topic. I'm sure your job is much more interesting,” he deflects. His job isn't really his passion, but he's good at it. He definitely has a job in order to live, and not the other way around. Kyungsoo flaps her hands. 

“Ah, like I said, I'm management at Macy's,” she says.

“What kind of management?” Yifan asks. He assumed she was a person with authority just from the way she acted the first day he met her, but they never really discussed their jobs. Mostly their cats, Junmyeon, and Kyungsoo's roommates.

“District manager,” She replies.

“Seriously? That's such an accomplishment! Don't downplay that!” He says incredulously. 

“Ah, thank you. That's a nice, refreshing change from ‘I could've guessed that, since you're so bossy,’” she chuckles, and Yifan frowns a bit.

“You're not bossy. You just have natural authority, and you're making money from it. Fuck that.” As he finishes that statement, their waiter reappears with their wine, and Kyungsoo pours it into their delicate glasses. 

“I'll drink to that,” she grins, and Yifan thinks his heart skipped a beat as he smiles back.

"So why were you at the actual store last week?" Yifan asks, after a truly delightful sip of wine.

"Ah, that store is in the process of training a new manager, and since I have a lot of experience managing the floor I was sent over to do the training," Kyungsoo replies. "I'm glad I was, because I certainly am very happy to be here now."

That time, Yifan was sure his heart skipped a beat.

°°°

At the end of the night, Kyungsoo asks for the check, and Yifan lets the waiter walk away, even though the dude seems a little confused. Yifan wants to offer to split the bill, but then he supposes that Kyungsoo wouldn't have asked him to this place, and offered to pay, if she wasn't sure she had the extra cash that she was actually willing to spend on him. It's nice, so he tells her so.

“I think this is the first date I've been on where I'm not expected to be all 'no, I'll pay, rah rah,’” he says, deepening his voice and puffing out his chest comically on the last line. Kyungsoo laughs.

“How come you're so sure that I wasn't expecting you to offer?” she teases.

“Because you're you, you're different, and if you took me here and offered to pay it's because you wanted to. You don't just try to imply shit, you would have told me if you wanted to split the bill, at least. It's nice,” he replies earnestly, and her face softens.

“Well, you've just been on dates with the wrong type of girls then,” she says.

“Ah, no,” he says sheepishly. “I just haven't really actively tried. As you can tell by my behavior, I don't do the dating thing often. The last time I went to dinner with a girl was my senior year of highschool, and the rest of the dates I've been on since then are the fruits of me half-assing on a dating site and meeting up someone from there for coffee. Never gets past that. I don't live up to expectations that well.”

“Lucky you, because that's something I like about you,” Kyungsoo says warmly. “Seriously. I actually do this whole dating thing, and you're the first guy who hasn't tried to baby me in a long while. It's nice.” Yifan smiles.

“I probably couldn't if I tried to anyways,” he chuckles. “As Junmyeon constantly reminds me, I'm Baby.”

“My baby,” she clarifies. “You've left a stunning first impression, pup. I'm already sure I want a second date, if you're up for it.” As she finishes that statement (and Yifan has a few more reactions that belong in the “what the fuck” box), the waiter comes back with the bill, flounders about what side of the table to put it on for a split second, then sets it neutrally in the middle.

“Y-yeah, uh. I'm, I'm definitely up for it. If you want,” he replies, nerves returning. “And maybe one of these times I'll be able to ask you on a date? You may have to give me some time to gird my pathetic loins, though.” Why the fuck did he just word it like that. Jesus. Lord. Kyungsoo laughs heartily though, and Yifan thinks he can suffer doing more dumb shit if this is the result.

“I await the day, baby,” she replies with a wink, which causes him to blush, which causes her smile to widen fondly. She opens up her clutch and slides her card into the check folder.

“The poor boy was so confused,” she muses.

“Let him be. He seemed new, so let him experience some breaking of gender expectations. Maybe the kid will learn something valuable,” Yifan replies, and Kyungsoo beams.

"You really are too good to be true,” she says happily.

"I'm honestly not all that much,” he says bashfully, but she meets his eyes sincerely.

“Hush. Especially for someone like me, you definitely are, no question.”

Yifan gulps, and fiddles with his fingers, unused to genuine compliments. He doesn't get them often. 

“Thank you,” he replies quietly, just as the waiter comes to scoop the check. Kyungsoo grabs one of his fiddling hands and laces it with her own, smiling softly. 

“Would you be okay with walking me home?” she asks, changing the subject. “I promise this is the only time you have to partake in Macho Man activities. I live a few blocks from here, it's late, and I need me a tall, scary man to shield me from dumbasses that think I got dressed up for their viewing pleasure.”

“Of course!” Yifan replies. “I'm sure you could probably like, Judo flip any man who would dare catcall you or something, but I'm not going to complain about spending some extra time with you.”

“Well, I actually did Judo in college,” Kyungsoo says. “And I could. A lot of idiots from the men's team would challenge me to informal competitions at frat parties, because I was kind of cocky and they wanted to knock me down a peg, or something. I went undefeated,” she preens slightly. 

“I don't doubt it. I can tell you just like being good at what you do, so I'm sure you put the hours in to get that good,” Yifan says, only a little in awe. The waiter returns with the check folder, which he sets pointedly on Kyungsoo's side, and they share a bemused glance. Kyungsoo drops a cash tip (over 20%, nice) and scribbles her signature then stands up, prompting Yifan to do the same. She holds out her hand, Yifan takes it, and they walk out and into the cool nighttime air together.

°°°

The walk to Kyungsoo's place is silent, but not in a bad way. Yifan feels comfortable to just walk hand in hand with her, simply soaking up her presence. They reach a modestly sized house, and Kyungsoo leads him up the walkway to the door, and the porch light flickers on. Ooh, motion sensor. Fancy.

“I had a great time. Seriously. An amazing time. Like, a really nice, comfortable time. It was amazing. Truly, like seriously,” Yifan rambles, then clamps his mouth shut. Kyungsoo laughs gently. 

“I'd invite you in, but my roommates are terribly nosy and a bit much all at once, I don't want to expose you to them face to face just yet,” she says.

“Ah, so the porch light isn't-”

“Isn't a motion sensor, no. I'd bet money that Baekhyun is at the peephole right now, narrating our every move to the other two gremlins,” Kyungsoo says, with a note of fondness even though she shoots said peephole an icy glare. 

“Well, I'm determined to make them love me, so this is me being a perfect gentleman. Goodnight, Soo,” he says, leaning down and kissing her on the cheek. He's on his way back up when he feels Kyungsoo grip his collar to keep him at her level and make eye contact with him. 

“Oh no you fucking don't,” she murmurs, then slides those lovely hands into his hair, tugs him forward, and kisses him firmly. He manages a shaky gasp against her pillowy lips before his eyes slide shut and he lets her do what she pleases, responding back to show his enthusiasm but not trying to take over. His shaky hands flap around uselessly for a second before he settles them on her waist, rubbing gentle circles there with his thumbs.

She, expectedly, is quite a thorough kisser. She doesn't rush, as if she's slowly savoring everything she does, and Yifan loves it. He's not sure he could keep up with a fast pace, because he's pretty sure his brain has become soup and leaked straight out of his ears. As she does what she wants with his mouth, one of her hands moves to cup his jaw, fingers extending to play with an earlobe. His fingers flex against her sides and he lets out an involuntary whimper. Junmyeon never did anything with his ears, and why the fuck does that feel so nice?

She hums back in response, and the hand still in his hair tugs lightly. Yifan vaguely wonders why he likes that so much too as he lets out a throaty groan. Immediately, Kyungsoo tugs again, harder, and the groan melts into a whimper as he basks in the feeling. She hums again, a satisfied sound, before she sucks his lower lip into her mouth and nips on it before pulling away. Instinctively, he chases her lips but the hands gripping his jaw and the hair at his nape remind him that he can't, so he lets his eyes slit open to meet Kyungsoo's. 

“Goodnight, Yifan,” she says lowly, eyes full of heat and lips quirked into a confident smile. Yifan totally didn't almost just cream his pants. 

“Night,” he squeaks, and she chuckles, straightening his posture and smoothing his appearance before stepping closer to her front door. There's a slight fwump from the other side and Kyungsoo rolls her eyes fondly as she slips in, waving at Yifan one last time before she closes the door. Still collecting the last ruined shreds of his sanity, Yifan stares blankly at the spot she once was, then shakes himself out of it and goes to leave.

(He decides to walk home, because it's nice out and hopefully his dick will calm down if he gets blood pumping in other areas of his body.)

°°°

Once Yifan gets home and gets ready for bed, he sends several keysmashes to Junmyeon and checks his unread messages. (See also: he ignores all of them and goes straight for Kyungsoo's.)

>_Thanks for the good company tonight, Yifan._

>Thank you for taking me on such a wonderful date :))

>_About that second date...are you free Sunday? There's a cat café on main that looks promising._

>What am I gonna do? Say no??

>_It's a date, then._

>_[img.8439]_

>_Goodnight :*_

If Yifan wasn't sitting down he probably would've fallen over. The picture was of Kyungsoo, a mirror selfie of her in her pajamas. Worn out shorts stretch over her full hips, with a grey, equally worn out fitted cami showcasing the fact that she sleeps braless in the soft lighting from her open bathroom door. Her full lips are puckered cutely and she has a free hand poking her cheek, as if she's not aware how fucking hot she looks. Yifan looks down at his own PJs, which consists of his boxers and nothing else. Well, he can try.

He pushes his fluffy blankets down to showcase his lightly toned chest and shoulders, lifts one long arm up with his phone and covers the lower half of his face with a large peace sign that he knows makes his hand (and semi flexed arm) look good. His squinty, tired eyes peek over his long fingers and his fuzzy hair is slightly visible at the corner of the screen, but he sends it anyways.

>[img.4838]

>'Night, Soo :))

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed all of that gratuitous exposition there. Expect more where that came from.
> 
> Also, gimme your opinions about the format during the texting conversations, I felt like it was fairly straightforward but if that's just me then let me know and I'll switch it up.


End file.
